i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
