1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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