the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
