Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
