before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize