When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
