phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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