If that was your dad, he is hot
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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