do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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