honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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