the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
