well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
