I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
