fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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