I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
