my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
