accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
