He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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