Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
