her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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