if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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