I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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