I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You ruined the universe
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
