Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
