Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
oh god the rape fog is back!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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