don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
