oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
