Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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