Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
