I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
