i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
