You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
