just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
