Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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