Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
