why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
