last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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