so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize