Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
