Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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