We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
