i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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