Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
