i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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