Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
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