Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
