the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
