I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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