when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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