i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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