i can't believe i had my finger in that
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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