i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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