I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
