how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
