we have pet lesbian snakes
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Girls should come with a carfax report
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
