I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
