I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
