He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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