I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
