whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
