Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
