I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
