I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Houston, we have a squirter
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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